Published
Watching someone you love struggle with alcohol or drugs is painful and frightening. Many families wait a long time to say something, afraid of making it worse, starting a fight or being wrong. Others have had the same argument so many times that it no longer feels worth trying.
There is no perfect script, but some approaches make a productive conversation more likely. Here is what helps.
Prepare before you talk
- Choose the right time. Talk when your loved one is sober and calm, and when you are calm too. Not in the middle of a crisis or after a night of drinking.
- Get specific. Write down a few concrete examples of what you have seen and how it affected you. Specifics are harder to dismiss than generalizations.
- Know your goal. The goal of a first conversation is usually not to get a promise to quit. It is to open the door and let them know you see what is happening and you care.
- Know your options. Have some information ready about treatment or an assessment in case they are open to help.
What to say
Lead with care and use “I” statements that describe your experience rather than labeling theirs. For example:
- “I love you, and I have been worried about you.”
- “I noticed you missed work twice last week, and I am scared something is wrong.”
- “When you drink, I feel like I cannot reach you, and I miss you.”
- “Would you be willing to talk with someone, just to get an outside opinion?”
What to avoid
- Labels like “addict” or “alcoholic,” which tend to trigger defensiveness
- Lectures, threats you will not follow through on, or bringing up every past mistake
- Arguing about how much they use; focus on the effects instead
- Expecting one conversation to fix everything
If they push back
Denial and anger are common responses, especially the first time. That does not mean the conversation failed. You planted a seed. Stay calm, restate that you care, and let them know the door is open. It often takes several conversations before someone is ready.
Set boundaries that protect you
Boundaries are not about controlling your loved one. They are about deciding what you will and will not accept. For example, “I will not give you money anymore,” or “I will not ride in the car if you have been drinking.” Clear, calm boundaries you actually keep are more effective than ultimatums made in anger.
When to get professional help
If your loved one is open to help, an assessment is a good first step. It can clarify whether they need detox, therapy, psychiatric care or a combination. If they are not ready, a professional can still help you plan next steps, including whether a structured intervention makes sense. Blackburn Recovery Services provides addiction intervention for families anywhere in the US; the team travels nationwide, and the first call is free.
Take care of yourself
Addiction affects the whole family. You deserve support whether or not your loved one is ready for help. Family services at Blackburn, including one-on-one family coaching, help family members understand addiction, set boundaries, improve communication and find their footing.
If your loved one is ready, learn about outpatient detox, addiction psychiatry and our Concierge Outpatient Program.
Talk with our team
Blackburn Clinical Services is at 12326 Venice Blvd in Los Angeles, serving Venice, Mar Vista, Santa Monica, Culver City and West Los Angeles. Call (888) 870 7405, email info@blackburnclinical.com or contact us to schedule an assessment.
If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) or call 911.