Grief and Loss in Teens: Helping a High Schooler After a Death

Teens grieve deeply, but often privately: they may seem fine one day and fall apart the next, pour themselves into school or sports, or turn to friends rather than family. Blackburn Clinical Services offers one-on-one grief therapy in West Los Angeles for teens 13 to 17 after the death of a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or classmate, and family sessions for families grieving together. Most grieving teens do not need therapy to get through a loss. Some do, especially after a sudden or traumatic death, and parents are often the first to notice.

Losses we help teens with

• The death of a parent or sibling, which changes daily life, family roles and the future a teen imagined.
• The death of a grandparent, often a teen’s first close loss, sometimes after a long illness the family lived through together.
• The death of a friend or classmate, including deaths by accident, overdose or suicide, which can shake a whole grade or school community.
• Other losses that still count: a death far away, a pet, or a loss the teen feels others do not take seriously.

How grief can look in a teenager

MedlinePlus, from the National Library of Medicine, notes that teens understand death as permanent, and that grieving young people may show sadness, anger, nightmares, fighting or a pull back to younger behavior (MedlinePlus). In high schoolers we also often see:

• Acting as if nothing happened, then a sudden wave of grief weeks or months later, often around birthdays, holidays or milestones like graduation.
• Irritability, risk taking or more drinking, vaping or cannabis use.
• Throwing themselves into grades, sports or work to avoid feeling it.
• Guilt, especially after a friend’s death: “I should have known” or “I should have answered that text.”
• Worry about another family member dying, or not wanting to leave a surviving parent alone.
• Trouble concentrating, falling behind in classes or not wanting to go back to school.

Signs a grieving teen needs more help

MedlinePlus lists warning signs that grief has become something more, including:

• Withdrawal from friends or loss of interest in activities for an extended time.
• Refusing school or a significant drop in grades.
• Ongoing changes in sleep or appetite.
• Denying the death happened.
• Talking about wanting to join the person who died. This needs an immediate response; see urgent help below.

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network describes traumatic grief, when a sudden or violent death leaves a teen stuck on how the person died and unable to grieve the way they need to (NCTSN). For trauma-related symptoms, see our page on trauma and PTSD treatment.

What grief therapy at Blackburn looks like for a teen

• One-on-one therapy in our office or by secure video for clients located in California, at your teen’s pace. Some teens want to talk about the person; others need help first with sleep, school or anger. See grief counseling.
• Trauma-informed care after a sudden or violent death, with approaches such as CBT and EMDR when clinically appropriate.
• Family sessions for families grieving the same person in different ways, or for a surviving parent who is unsure how to support a teen while grieving too. See family services.
• Psychiatry. Psychiatric care can be arranged if grief is complicated by depression or anxiety that needs an evaluation or medication.
• Weekday sessions. Monday to Friday, 9 AM to 5 PM, scheduled within those hours around school.

What parents can do now

• Tell your teen the truth about what happened, in clear words, and answer questions honestly.
• Let your teen grieve in their own way. Sitting together, driving, or doing something side by side often works better than a face-to-face talk.
• Grieve in front of them. It shows that sadness is allowed.
• Ask the school for flexibility with deadlines and tests in the weeks after a loss.
• After a classmate’s death, especially by suicide or overdose, check in directly and more often, and ask how close friends are doing.
• If you are grieving too, get support for yourself. Our guide to teen depression signs can help you tell grief from depression.

When to get urgent help

If your teen is in danger right now, call 911. If your teen talks about wanting to die or to be with the person who died, is harming themselves, or you are worried they might, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time of day. After a death by suicide in a school community, check in with your teen directly and often.

Questions

How long does grief last in a teenager?

There is no set timeline. Grief usually softens over months, but it often returns at milestones such as birthdays, holidays and graduation. What matters is whether your teen is gradually able to function and connect with others again.

My teen refuses to talk about the death. Should I worry?

Not necessarily. Many teens grieve privately or with friends. Keep the door open, and watch for warning signs such as withdrawal, falling grades or changes in sleep and eating that last more than a few weeks.

A classmate died. Does my teen need therapy if they were not close?

Not always. Even teens who were not close can be shaken, especially by a sudden death or a suicide. If your teen is anxious, not sleeping or keeps returning to it, a few sessions can help.

Can our whole family come in after a death?

Yes. Family sessions can help a family grieving the same person in different ways. Your teen can also have one-on-one time with their therapist.

Can you provide documentation for my teen’s school?

When clinically appropriate, we can provide documentation for your teen’s school, for example to support extensions or a lighter load after a loss. We share information only with your written permission.

Get started

You can also email info@blackburnclinical.com or contact us. Parents usually make the first call; your teen does not need to be on the line. More guides: therapy for private school students.

Sources

• MedlinePlus, National Library of Medicine: Children and grief
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network: Traumatic Grief
• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline